The Annual Hylian Christmas Carolling Contest!!!
by SilverWinglie
Summary: The girls of Zelda have a little contest! Only the third chapter is really PG-13.
1. What Child Is This? (Zelda)

~Hi-hi, and welcome to the first edition of "Zelda Christmas Carols." So...enjoy!  
BTW- These songs ARE parodied, but I mean no offense to anyone, or the songs. I love these songs! So, please don't flame me if you're offended for some reason.~  
  
Link read from the huge list in his hand. "Zelda, Malon, Ruto, Saria, Nabooru, Impa...Epona? Ummm...What is this, Santa's naughty list?" He asked.  
Ganondorf shrugged and crossed his arms. "Beats me. Does the list have a title or something?" He leaned over to see the list. After a moment, he pointed to a spot on the paper. "Are you blind, or stupid, Link? It says..."  
Link paled. "The Annual Hylian Carolling Contest? But...out of all these girls, only Malon can sing, and Epona...she's a horse!"  
"That's not very nice." Ganondorf snorted. "You have awful manners for the Hero of Time."  
"No, I mean, literally. She's a horse." A neigh in the distance confirmed Link's statement. "And we have to judge this thing?"  
Ganondorf shrugged again. "I guess so. How bad can it be?"  
"Very, very bad." Was the answer.  
  
A few moments later, Princess Zelda of Hyrule was standing on the stage. She played with her hair nervously. "Oh, Goddesses. Why did I sign up? Why?" She looked at Link. "Link, help me!"  
Link, of course, had earplugs in by now, and didn't hear her. He waved back to Ganondorf, who started the music...  
  
Zelda's eyes went huge, and she quickly blurted out, "I'm singing 'What Child Is This?'"  
Link shrugged. "No kid in here, Zel. Just start." He reached into his pocket and put on a pair of reading glasses, then squinted down at Zelda's scoresheet, pencil ready to start writing.  
  
Zelda took a deep breath, and began:  
  
"What child is this  
Who, laid to rest  
On Mary's lamb is sleeping?  
Whom angels sweet with anthems greet,  
While shepherd watches are ticking?  
  
This, this, is Christ the King  
Whom angels guard and shepherds sing  
This, this is Christ the King,  
The Babe, the Son of Mary  
  
Why lies He in such lean a fate?  
Where ox and lamp are reading?  
Good Christian, fear; for sinners here  
The silent Word is pleading  
  
This, this, is Christ the King  
Whom angels guard and shepherds sing  
This, this is Christ the King,  
The Babe, the Son of Mary  
  
So bring him incense, gold, and myrrh,  
Come, peasant king to own Him;  
The King of things salvation brings,  
Let loving hearts enthrone Him.  
  
This, this, is Christ the King  
Whom angels guard and shepherds sing  
This, this is Christ the King,  
The Babe, the Son of Mary.  
  
This, this, is Christ the King  
Whom angels guard and shepherds sing  
This, this is Christ the King,  
The Babe, the Son of Mary!"  
  
The last note was so high-pitched that the reading glasses Link was wearing suddenly shattered. He let out a yelp of surprise and leapt up. Onstage, Zelda was blushing a bright crimson, and Ganondorf, in the background, fell out of his seat, laughing, despite his temporary deafness. 


	2. Mary's Little Boy Child (Malon)

~This song...ah. Brings back memories. My music teacher had us, (The girl's choir) sing this for Christmas last year. Quite frankly, we were awful. We sang it, Mary's Boy Chile...which is how Malon will sing it! Mwa-hahahahahaaaaaaa!!!!! Evil Mexican-style music! Tacos for alll!!!!!!!! YAYYYYYYYYY!!!!! *Gets dragged off in a straight jacket*~  
  
Link polished his newly-repaired reading glasses and slipped them on. "Who's up now, Ganondorf?"  
Link ducked to narrowly miss a CD that Ganondorf had just hurled at him, frisbee-style. "That's DJ G-man, yo' foo!" Of course, Ganon's, or, rather, DJ G-Man's statement was a *bit* too loud, owing to the fact that he was still partially deaf from Zelda's opera-style rendition of "What Child Is This?"  
Link gulped. "Right, DJ G-Man, who's up next?"  
Ganondorf picked up the list and called out, "Yo! It's a little mama named Malon!"  
Confused, Link walked back to Ganon. "Malon's a mom?"  
He had to run back to his seat hunched over to avoid the hail of CDs that Ganon sent after him. "No, yo' foo! Yo' stupid, foo!"  
  
The both of them stopped when they heard a country-sounding giggle from the stage. Jaws dropped as they spotted Malon.  
  
Clad in an impossibly glittery miniskirt/skintight tank top combo, Malon waved her cowgirl hat at Link and then plunked it on top of her head and struck a pose. "Don't I look like a cowgirl, Fairy Boy?" She pointed at Ganon, and shouted, "Music!"  
Unwilling to argue, Ganon started the CD.  
"An' this would be 'Mary's Little Boy Child!'" Malon declared, producing a pair of maracas from somewhere in her costume. She started shaking them in time to the music.  
"Clashing themes, eh?" Link muttered as Malon started to sing.  
  
"Long time ago in Bethlehem,  
So the Holy Bible say,  
Mary's boy chile Jesus Christ  
Was born on Christmas Day.  
  
Hark, now hear the angels sing  
A new king born today  
And man will live forever more  
Because of Christmas Day.  
  
While shepherds watched their flocks by night  
Them see a bright new shining star  
Them hear a choir sing  
The music come from afar.  
  
Now Joseph and his wife Mary  
Come to Bethlehem that nigh  
Them find no place to born she chile  
Not a single room was in sight  
  
Hark, now hear the angels sing  
A new king born today  
And man will live forever more  
Because of Christmas Day.  
  
By and by they find a little nook  
In a stable all forlorn  
And in a manger cold and dark  
Mary's little boy chile was born  
  
Hark, now hear the angels sing  
A new king born today  
And man will live forever more  
Because of Christmas Day.  
  
Trumpets sound and angels sing,  
Listen to what they say  
That man will live forever more  
Because of Christmas Day!"  
  
Link scanned the lyrics quickly. "G-Man, did she mess up?"  
"No, man. She got every word right."  
The Hero of Time laughed. "Well, the song's messed up already, I guess."  
Malon's eyes flashed red, she dropped the maracas, and pulled a cattle whip out of her costume and stormed off the stage...towards Link!  
Link yelped in terror and started running, with the crazy cowgirl hot on his heels, cracking the whip and yelling various angry phrases after the terrified bishounen. 


	3. Baby One More Time (Link's Mom)

Link tentatively touched one of his bandages and winced. "Who now, G-Man?"  
"Yo' mamma!"  
"That's not nice, Ganon. Just tell me who's up."  
"No, really, yo' foo! She don't sign up - it's yo' mamma!"  
Link practically choked as he watched a strange Hylian woman step onto the stage. She waved at him, smiling hugely. "Hi, honey!" She said. "I'm here to sing a song to you! I'll sing one of my favorites, how's that, my little Linky-poo? I'll sing 'Baby One More Time!'"  
Link winced. "Mom? This is a Christmas Carol Contest - not washed-up pop stars. Okay? And besides - you're dead."  
Link's mother smiled even wider, if it were even possible. "Nonsense, honey. I'll sing whatever I want to my baby! And I'm not dead, sweetheart. I just faked my death so I could have an affair with Ingo!" She lowered her voice a bit, and whispered, "By the way, you have a little sister now!"  
Link really did choke at that, and fell out of his seat, his face rapidly turning from red to blue to purple. Ganon rushed up the aisle and pulled his hand back really, really far...  
  
WHACK!!!!  
  
Link collapsed, wheezing, to the ground. Ganon shook his head and returned to his seat. Link's mother laughed and grinned even wider as the music started.  
Suddenly, off came the traditional Hylian dress, revealing an unmodest, at best, torn-up rag of a dress, black with glitter strewn across it. If Link wasn't already unconscious, he slipped into oblivion at that point.  
Which is fortunate, considering his mother started dancing right then, stripper-style.  
  
"Oooh, baby baby,  
How was I supposed to know-oh,  
That somethin' wasn't right here?  
  
Oooh, baby baby,  
I shouldn't have let you go  
And somethin' somethin' somethin'...  
  
Show me...Oh!  
How you want it to be  
Tell me baby  
'Cause I need to know now...uhhh....I forgot...  
  
My loneliness is killin' me...Ooh!  
I must confess, I still believe  
When you're not with me I lose my mind  
Give me a sigh-igh-ign...  
HIT ME BABY, ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!  
  
Ooooh, baby baby,  
My reason to breathe, is you!  
Boy you got me flyin'!  
I...something' baby there's nothin' that I wouldn't do...  
That's not the way I planned it!  
  
Show me...Oh!  
How you want it to be  
Tell me baby  
'Cause I need to know now...uhhh....I forgot...  
  
My loneliness is killin' me...Ooh!  
I must confess, I still believe  
When you're not with me I lose my mind  
Give me a sigh-igh-ign...  
HIT ME BABY, ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!"  
  
She walked up and down the stage with the microphone dancing, "Breakdown!" She shouted in the middle of the music. "Yeah! Uh-huh!"  
  
"Show me...Oh!  
How you want it to be  
Tell me baby  
'Cause I need to know now...uhhh....I forgot...  
  
My loneliness is killin' me...Ooh!  
I must confess, I still believe  
When you're not with me I lose my mind  
Give me a sigh-igh-ign...  
HIT ME BABY, ONE MORE TIME......ACK!"  
  
Link's mother disappeared from sight as a trapdoor opened beneath her. Link stood by the stage controls, panting, his hair strewn over his face, as if he had really struggled to drag himself, half-unconscious, over to the controls.   
"I...liked...you...better...when...you...were...dead..." He panted. "Psycho woman." 


End file.
